Today a red traffic light stopped me and to defeat it I yelled "I WENT TO YALE."— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 29, 2018
Trump's Campaign Manager, Deputy Campaign Manager, Counsel, National Security Adviser, and campaign foreign policy adviser have all plead guilty to crimes https://t.co/QZ9Lnu3cmL— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) September 30, 2018
good one bone spurs! LOL https://t.co/GOGkLibF8y— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) September 29, 2018
Maybe the craziest thing about claiming "have you boofed?" refers to farting is that it implies that he was asking his friend if he had ever farted— Slays Stabbinport 🤺 (@hayesdavenport) September 30, 2018
kanye saying that he wants the 13th amendment (which abolished slavery) to be repealed and for america to stop outsourcing labor... from a private jet while wearing a trump hat and decked out in yeezy (made in china)... is too much confusion for me— Marlow Stern (@MarlowNYC) September 30, 2018
LOOK AT THE SQUIDGE pic.twitter.com/Zp15z0Ug5r— Zoe Delahunty-Light (@zoe_dels) September 30, 2018
What is the point of having Colin Jost in your SNL cast if you don't get him to play the smarmy white guy who screams about his Ivy League education— No Dana, only Zuul Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) October 1, 2018
Oh, there's a cost. https://t.co/f10v38feAq— Tom Brennan's Ghost (@Brennanator) October 1, 2018
theater kids walking into a denny's after their closing show https://t.co/XLQQmXRTq7— super sarah (@sarahfneil1) October 1, 2018
Sick of guys telling me their favourite type of music is "classic rock," like I get it, you have a good relationship with your dad, relax— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 1, 2018
Darth Vader: Come to the dark side— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 2, 2018
Moth: Absolutely not
Excited for Spielberg's take on "West Side Story" in which you don't see the Sharks for the first hour.— Siddhant Adlakha (@SidizenKane) October 2, 2018
Finding it hard to meet men? pic.twitter.com/VftPPidEbI— Baroness von Sketch (@BaronessShow) October 2, 2018
Trump's parents look like they're secondary characters from a Tim Burton movie come to life pic.twitter.com/0EHsOUlaaP— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) October 3, 2018
This is a scary time for young men who commit sexual assault and want to get away with it.— God (@TheTweetOfGod) October 2, 2018
Okay this is a quality meme pic.twitter.com/AaXXa67GRl— Don E. Dark. O (@omgShutUpDon) October 3, 2018
I've found my true calling pic.twitter.com/hre59LUbAX— hikikomori (@spughetti) October 3, 2018
[at a dive bar]— Spooky Skoog (@Skoogeth) October 4, 2018
Friend: Look, I know you're disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I'd like to leave, please.
You know your job interview's going well when you have to stop in the middle to write an op-ed about the fbi investigating you for assault— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 5, 2018
Look, I love Conan O'Brien. And I'm sure his podcast will be great. But with all of my heart I hope that Jay Leno figures out a way to steal it from him.— scharpling (@scharpling) October 5, 2018
I can't believe we have been let down by our best friend, the FBI— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) October 4, 2018
His Alma Mater, Yale, has rejected Kav.— ProfHelen (@Helenhs) October 4, 2018
Harvard has rejected him.
The church has rejected him.
Native Americans have rejected him.
Lawyers are rejecting him.
Women are rejecting him.
Who supports Brett Kavanaugh?
The racist, misogynist @GOP is all Kav has left.
american horror story: hey can i talk to you about something— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 4, 2018
ooh look at me im george or well. 1984 sounds like a future year to me because im a dead asshole. i think animals can talk— Avery Edison (@aedison) October 5, 2018
I laugh when comedians complain about bombing in a comedy club. Wait until you get asked to speak at a career day & the teacher introduces you as a "Famous Comedian" & you see the kids start looking at one another and decide as a group they aint never heard of you. Bombed at 8am— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) October 5, 2018
Wife: We named you after Grandma— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 5, 2018
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school